


No Sera Que Sera

by kuonji



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: 7 Things, Alternate Universe, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, Somewhat crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-28
Updated: 2012-05-28
Packaged: 2017-11-06 05:26:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/415223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuonji/pseuds/kuonji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whatever will not be, will be...</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Sera Que Sera

**Author's Note:**

> There's six gen/het snippets and one slash.  The titles will tell you which are which.  Or will they?
> 
> This story was nominated for an [Ollie Award](http://community.livejournal.com/sh911award_com) in 2010, category "Big Eyes Award (Best crack story)".
> 
> Alternative Links:  
> <http://starskyhutch911.livejournal.com/255393.html>

**...in which Hutch calls Starsky master**

"Hutchinson, stop fidgeting."

"Yes, Master Dave." Hutch kept his gaze forward and suppressed a sigh. He held the belt up higher.

The belt was taken. Next he held out the boots. His Master didn't like him to help with putting them on, so he merely waited patiently before handing over the last item -- the midnight colored cape and cowl.

"You will be safe?" he couldn't help asking.

"It's kevlar, Hutch." His Master grinned and swirled the cape around. "How do I look?"

Hutch raised an eyebrow. "Ridiculous."

"That's what I like about you. I can always count on you to be honest." He patted Hutch on the cheek. "Don't wait up." He leapt into his souped up, glistening black sports car, revved it powerfully, and raced away to protect the denizens of Bay City.

"I'll have breakfast ready," Hutch grumbled to empty air.

 

**...in which Starsky has a pussy**

"What do you think's wrong with her?"

Ken smiled reassuringly. "It's just some stomach trouble. Let her work it out on her own. Don't let her have any solid food for the rest of the day, but let her have plenty of fresh water. Give her digestive system some time to rest. I expect her to be fine by tomorrow."

The man looked dubious. "My ma's had this cat for eleven years. My pop gave it to her as a kitten. She babies it more than she nags me, and we're Jewish! I can't let it kick it on my watch, okay?"

"She'll be fine," Ken repeated. "You can always call me if she shows any sign of worsening."

"Are you sure she's okay? I don't need to leave her overnight or something?"

"Lots of housecats have this problem. I see it all the time. It's just like a common cold." He wasn't usually this patient with his patients' owners, but this man had an air of helplessness completely unmixed with pride that Ken found endearing.

The man unbent enough to smile a little. "All right. You're the doc." He stroked the gray Maine coon and peered at her worriedly. "So you're sure?"

Ken laughed. "Yes, Mr. Starsky! Go home and let the poor girl rest."

The man smiled sheepishly. "Okay." He added, "Hey, uh, maybe I should bring her in tomorrow for a follow-up?"

"Sure thing. Just talk to Gillian at the front. See you tomorrow." He watched in amusement as the full-grown man cuddled the cat to his chest and gingerly left the examining room, murmuring soothing phrases to the animal the entire way.

 

**...in which Hutch comes repeatedly**

"Cut! Cut, cut, _cut_!"

"Something the matter, Herr Director?"

Starsky threw down his director's visor in what he knew was an overly dramatic gesture, but there was no other (legal) way to express his rage. "Ken, are you f'in' deaf?! What'd I just say?"

The tall blond's face was cold and mocking -- the bane of directors everywhere. "You said to come in faster. That's what I did."

"I didn't mean, speedwalk like Charlie Chaplin."

"I guess you should have been more specific." That smirk was #2 on the directors' hate list.

Starsky wanted to start tearing out his hair. Working with Ken Hutchinson was a trial. But his touch was as golden as his hair. Women and men alike flocked to his movies, drawn by not only his good looks, but his earnest attitude and hometown boy charm.

And Starsky had to admit that Ken paid attention to his work. He was a technically brilliant actor who could live his role, no matter how outrageous or subtle it may be. He had on his resume: bumbling cowboy, arrogant pimp, fey hairdresser, even a deaf-mute -- all carried out beautifully. Starsky had jumped on the chance to direct this film, despite the (well-warranted) horror stories about the star.

"All right, Ken, we'll have it out now. What do you want? I know it's not a bigger trailer. You've got a rep for never caring about that crap."

Ken looked thoughtful. "You really asking?"

"I'm sayin' the words, aren't I?" Starsky said, indignant. His movies had won awards, dammit. He didn't really need this job.

A grin spread across Ken's face. "Anyone ever tell you you're cute when you're mad?" He held up a hand to forestall the tirade Starsky had all lined up. "Just listen to my opinions now and then, okay?"

Starsky opened his mouth to remind the wiseass upstart who the director was. But then he closed it. "Okay," he agreed. "So you hold the hat instead of wearing it when you come in. I can do that. But tone down the funny walk, okay? Your character's only sprained his ankle, not developed epilepsy."

Instead of looking insulted, Ken broke out into a laugh. "Epilepsy. I like that." His laugh was deep and unexpectedly pleasant. Starsky liked it. Maybe things would go better on set if he could hear that more often instead of the arguments they'd been having.

He cleared his throat. "Ready to go again?"

"You mean come?"

Starsky rolled his eyes. "Places!"

Take 10. Jesus.

This time, Ken delivered perfectly.

 

**...in which Starsky wears Hutch's collar**

"Starsky! Starsky, get your butt over here!"

Hutch was furious. He couldn't believe what Starsky had done to his backyard. The corner of the lawn had been dug up. The pots of aloe he had just separated out yesterday had been knocked over. One of his new cane plant shoots had been snapped off.

It'd only been a twenty minute trip to the market!

"Starsky!!"

The yard wasn't that big. It only took a moment to locate the troublemaker -- cooling off on the cement by the corner with the (miraculously untouched) large fern. He didn't so much as open his eyes.

"Starsky, come here!" Hutch wasn't about to indignify himself by hauling Starsky up physically. "Come!" he ordered again, this time with more command in his voice and less hysterical rage.

Starsky's long ears perked, and he lazily raised his head. He seemed to consider the 'request'. Finally, he labored to his feet like the geriatric he notably wasn't, shook himself, and trotted over. He lowered his dark, triangular head and pushed the top of it into Hutch's knees. That always melted Hutch's heart, and he felt himself softening against his will.

"You mangy son of a bitch," he grumbled, slapping Starsky on his meaty shoulder. "If you weren't the best dog in the unit, I'd trade you in tomorrow."

Starsky sat back and offered a wide, tongue-hanging grin. He clearly knew Hutch would never do any such thing. He sniffed Hutch's fingers and waited expectantly.

" _Oh_ , no! You're not getting a cookie today!"

Starsky tilted his head, showing off the scar along his right jaw where he'd taken a knife wound two years ago meant for Hutch's back. It was Hutch's Achille's heel, and his partner knew it. Hutch didn't make the mistake of anthropomorphizing his dog to the point that he believed Starsky understood _why_ this move worked, but there was no question that Starsky was crafty enough to realize that it did.

Hutch shook his finger at the unrepentent dog. "I mean it!"

But even he could hear the waver in his voice. Starsky lolled his tongue again and waited for his treat.

 

**...in which Hutch is part of Starsky's stable**

"Here he is. A more bee-yoo-ti-ful creature you'll never see." Starsky nodded at his companion. "Exceptin' your Abby, of course."

The other man hummed appreciatively at the blond-white stallion watching them alertly from the other side of the paddock.  "Can I see him move?"

"Can you ever!" Starsky whistled and waved. The stallion immediately broke into a trot, then a full out gallop. "Whoa, Hutch!" Starsky laughed, catching the proud, tapered nose, as the stallion slid to a stop in front of them. "The mare's not even here yet, cowboy."

"A friendly sort, is he?" Abby's owner said, reaching out his hand. Starsky was quick to snatch it back, just before Hutch's ears went back and his teeth snapped the air where the man's fingers had been. Hutch tossed his head, his white mane flying.

"Sorry. Not to strangers. A guy tried to rustle us a few months ago. Hutch near trampled his skull in. He's real protective of the ladies."

The man laughed good-naturedly. "Abby's in good hands then."

"Sure! And with her jumping blood and his, you ought to get a champion. Leastways, you'll get something pretty." He patted Hutch's shining coat and spoke to him. "Gonna introduce you to a real nice lady soon. She's got almost as many ribbons as you do, so play nice."

Hutch snorted and trumpeted a challenge.

 

**...in which Starsky is hot for Hutch**

Sir Kenneth Hutchinson gripped his weapon tensely. After three days of rough travel, he had finally reached his goal. The cave was a dark slit in the mountain, just as the local villagers had described it. Dismounting from his steed, he approached. He only hoped he wasn't too late.

"Princess?" he called, a few yards in front of the opening.

His answer came in the form of a deafening roar. Lud, his loyal bay warhorse, pawed the ground. Hutchinson set his jaw and prepared himself for combat.

A wall of flame belched out of the opening. It would have fried Hutchinson where he stood if he had foolishly stood at the mouth of the cave as many inexperienced knights did.  "Come out, lizard!" he taunted. "I've slain foes with worse breath than yours!"

Another roar sounded.

But suddenly, another voice answered, a sweet, feminine lilt that Hutchinson knew well: "Starsky, stop it! You know he wouldn't hurt me."

"Princess Terry?"

The petite form of his princess appeared at the mouth of the cave. Gone were her regal garments. She wore a dark green peasant girl's dress and simple cloth shoes that suited her surprisingly well. She ran towards him. "Sir Hutchinson! I'm so sorry. Are you all right?"

A huge black and red reptilian body snaked out of the cave after her. As long as three horses end to end, it opened a tooth-filled mouth and inhaled. Hutchinson felt the heat emanating off of the creature. "Princess!" he warned. He dove for her, his shield up.

"Starsky! I said, stop!" The Princess slapped the creature's foreleg like a recalcitrant dog. It clamped its jaws closed and jerked back with an audible gulp.

"Uh..." Hutchinson stumbled to a stop. He lowered his sword and looked nervously between her and the dragon. It hissed and glared. The eyes were a breathtaking blue, and disturbingly intelligent.

"It's okay, honey. See? Sir Hutchinson is my friend." Princess Terry smiled reassuringly at them both. "Starsky saved me from the bandits who kidnapped me."

"Bandits?"

"Oh! You didn't think _Starsky_...!"

"There were marks, and witnesses said they saw him fly away with you."

"Well, that's not what happened at all. Starsky has been protecting me the last few days. He wouldn't let me go home by myself, but I told him you would come for me."

"Of, of course, Princess," he agreed awkwardly. "Then, ah, shall we go?" He held out his arm to her, but a hiss stopped him short. He stiffened his spine and addressed the dragon directly. "Thank you for your, uh, assistance. May I escort the Princess home now?"

'Starsky' studied him for a long moment. Then he gave Lud a clear look of disdain, which the horse returned. Finally, he put down his head and nudged Princess Terry forward gently. She hugged his neck.

"We'll come see you again," she promised.

Hutchinson's eyebrows rose.  _We_? But the Princess seemed perfectly decided. "Until next time," he said weakly.

The dragon's expression seemed amused.

 

**...in which boobs are distracting**

"Starsky, are you coming to bed or what?"

"Wait! There was a show I wanted to tape. I just need to find the right channel."

"Well, that's just great. I thought getting a Betamax meant I wouldn't have to lose out to the boob tube any more."

"I'll just be a second!"

"Why don't you set the timer?"

"Too much trouble."

"You mean, you don't know how, don't you?"

"...Uh, maybe."

"Oh, for pete's sake, let me check the instruction manual."

"No, no, it's starting in a few minutes. I'll just push record and we can get back to what we were doing before."

"You mean _having spontaneous sex_? Like normal people who don't schedule their lives around the TV Guide? Forget it. I lost the mood about when my partner jumped out of bed for-- What are you watching, anyway?"

"It's a nature show. I bet you would even like it."

"No aliens or monsters or cheesy detectives?"

 "Hey, I'll have you know, I have some taste."

"Yeah, most of it bad."

"I heard that! The show's about these birds called Blue-Footed Boobies. They live on the Galapagos Islands. There's a whole series of TV shows about this place."

"I was just reading about that. You're right. That does sound interesting. They've found some unique species there, because they're so cut off from the rest of the world."

"So you wanta watch a few minutes before we... turn in?"

"You keep waggling those eyebrows like that, and the next time--"

"Hey, shh, shh, it's starting. What...? They're playing some history thing."

"Let me get... Starsky, it says here, the program's tomorrow night!"

"Terrific. Looks like the only two boobs around here are us."

"Let's just go to bed already."

"Yeah. Geez, what a waste of time. I can't believe it. Yow! The sheets have gone cold."

"Whose fault is that?"

"All right, don't rub it in. Good night, already."

"...They're monogamous, you know."

"Huh?"

"Boobies."

"Is that right?"

"Yup."

"Not so bad to be a booby, after all, then."

"No. It's not all bad."

  
END.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this story, you might try these:  
>      [Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang ](http://community.livejournal.com/starskyhutch911/106794.html) (Starsky & Hutch), by kuonji  
>      [Comes With The Territory](http://community.livejournal.com/starskyhutch911/185590.html) (Starsky & Hutch), by kuonji  
>      [Animal, Vegetable, Mineral](http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/17537.html) (Stargate SG-1), by kuonji  
>      [Five AUs That Should Not Happen](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2564336/1/) (Gundam Seed), by kuonji   
>      [Sniffing It Out](http://community.livejournal.com/starskyhutch911/256820.html) (Starsky & Hutch), by Allie  
>      [Blessing In Disguise](http://oasis3017.tripod.com/id65.html) (Starsky & Hutch), by Monika  
>      [Greenhouse AU](http://community.livejournal.com/greenhouse_au/319.html) (Stargate Atlantis), by lavvyan  
>      [Quest](http://green-grrl.livejournal.com/49797.html) (Stargate SG-1), by green_grrl


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